Open Letters
Dear Blogosphere,
Will you shield me from harm in this menacing electronic ether? In Illinois we have a Blagosphere that, so far, has protected the governor from being indicted.
Dear Pundits,
Please keep your distance. You sound like a slur or a rash I do not want to have.
Dear Comedy,
Why are you so hilarious? Have you guys seen comedy? It's sooooo funny.
Dear Politics,
You are local. I am proud that you made it to the national stage. Please don't let it get to your head.
Dear Whiffle Ball,
Old friend, the sad thing is, you are probably a registered trademark.
Dear Rumble in the Bronx,
You can't fool me. I see your Canadian mountain range.
Dear "Zazz Bash" Attendee,
Please enjoy the enclosed coupons that offer valuable discounts to select local businesses. Your "Zazz Bash '94" T-shirt is also enclosed. We guessed you were an XL. Please don't be offended. Hey, are you crying? Stop crying! Go in the bathroom and wash those tears away! Who's going to want to date a 37-year-old cry baby? C'mon, I think there's some lip balm in here somewhere. Donated by Walgreens. Peppermint flavored so you don't even need to brush you teeth! Your general mouth area will be gently masked by a waxy layer of mint-like freshness. Believe me, you're going to do so much smooching, you'll want a second stick of lip balm. Luckily, there's probably a coupon for it in here somewhere... When you arrive, please proceed to the check-point to pick up your ID-badge. You also will be assigned your security clearance level at this time. APPROACHING ZAZZ HIMSELF IS NOT PERMITTED WITHOUT SECURITY CLEARANCE ALPHA. We assure you that there will be enough alcohol on hand to make you feel more comfortable and less awkward as you mingle with the other singles, then more and more awkward and less comfortable as the night progresses until you collapse into a ball of drunken loneliness at the end of the evening. Enjoy Zazz Bash '94! You just have to get through one case of the Mondays, hop over Hump Day and slide on over to Zazz Bash on Saturday night. Remember, your success is Zazz's success. DO NOT FAIL HIM. See you Saturday!
Dear David Foster Wallace,
Way to kill yourself, genius.
Dear Journalistic Credibility,
Way to kill yourself, genius.
Dear Brutus, Romeo, Juliet, Guest Star on Law and Order: Criminal Intent, and Socrates,
Way to kill yourselves, geniuses.
Dear Ceasar,
I bet you never thought that people would render salad dressing unto you.
Dear Superhero,
Is it really better to allow, through your inaction, your enemy to be impaled on a spike as he is hurtled from an out-of-control speeding train than to murder him with your own bare hands?
Dear Ubiquitous Observer,
None of the kids will play with me at school. Can you teach me how to conform to their wills so that I lose my identity?
Will you shield me from harm in this menacing electronic ether? In Illinois we have a Blagosphere that, so far, has protected the governor from being indicted.
Dear Pundits,
Please keep your distance. You sound like a slur or a rash I do not want to have.
Dear Comedy,
Why are you so hilarious? Have you guys seen comedy? It's sooooo funny.
Dear Politics,
You are local. I am proud that you made it to the national stage. Please don't let it get to your head.
Dear Whiffle Ball,
Old friend, the sad thing is, you are probably a registered trademark.
Dear Rumble in the Bronx,
You can't fool me. I see your Canadian mountain range.
Dear "Zazz Bash" Attendee,
Please enjoy the enclosed coupons that offer valuable discounts to select local businesses. Your "Zazz Bash '94" T-shirt is also enclosed. We guessed you were an XL. Please don't be offended. Hey, are you crying? Stop crying! Go in the bathroom and wash those tears away! Who's going to want to date a 37-year-old cry baby? C'mon, I think there's some lip balm in here somewhere. Donated by Walgreens. Peppermint flavored so you don't even need to brush you teeth! Your general mouth area will be gently masked by a waxy layer of mint-like freshness. Believe me, you're going to do so much smooching, you'll want a second stick of lip balm. Luckily, there's probably a coupon for it in here somewhere... When you arrive, please proceed to the check-point to pick up your ID-badge. You also will be assigned your security clearance level at this time. APPROACHING ZAZZ HIMSELF IS NOT PERMITTED WITHOUT SECURITY CLEARANCE ALPHA. We assure you that there will be enough alcohol on hand to make you feel more comfortable and less awkward as you mingle with the other singles, then more and more awkward and less comfortable as the night progresses until you collapse into a ball of drunken loneliness at the end of the evening. Enjoy Zazz Bash '94! You just have to get through one case of the Mondays, hop over Hump Day and slide on over to Zazz Bash on Saturday night. Remember, your success is Zazz's success. DO NOT FAIL HIM. See you Saturday!
Dear David Foster Wallace,
Way to kill yourself, genius.
Dear Journalistic Credibility,
Way to kill yourself, genius.
Dear Brutus, Romeo, Juliet, Guest Star on Law and Order: Criminal Intent, and Socrates,
Way to kill yourselves, geniuses.
Dear Ceasar,
I bet you never thought that people would render salad dressing unto you.
Dear Superhero,
Is it really better to allow, through your inaction, your enemy to be impaled on a spike as he is hurtled from an out-of-control speeding train than to murder him with your own bare hands?
Dear Ubiquitous Observer,
None of the kids will play with me at school. Can you teach me how to conform to their wills so that I lose my identity?
posted by The UO at 1:03 AM
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